I’ve decided to become open about my depression, why? Because I can’t honestly let anyone else go through the emotions I went through. I have never been open about this & just kinda kept it to myself because i didnt want to anyone to know or look at me differently but I want to be there for anyone who may think they are depressed or already have been diagnosed. I was diagnosed with MDD August of 2012. MDD is major depressive disorder also known as clinical depression. I honestly never in my life thought I’d deal with something like this. I was one to always question how can a person be so sad because I was such a happy person! When my doctors asked me repeatedly “are you depressed?” I would laugh and say that’s “silly, I’m not” when really sometimes I wanted to say yes so they can further help me. But I didn’t want to be looked at with pity like a sick person. It wasn’t until August when a lot of things in my life when to shit. My parents had made the decision to separate. College was such a fail, I couldn’t get a job, And other things. I remember how I felt then and I looked at myself now and I wish I could go back in time and yell at myself to reach out for help sooner. To stop pushing my friends that did notice a change in me and wanted to help me, I thought I was fine and this was just something I could sleep away. What i needed was to go out and see pretty things but i rather be locked in my room & if i did go out i would want to get drunk &come home and cry. A friend who did help me a lot and got me out of my house was melissa and she has no idea how much i appreciate her. Anyways November came and I was worse. I had lost 30lbs in less than 3 weeks. I spent my days sleeping and my nights crying in my bathroom floor so my sister couldn’t hear me. I did think about suicide, I was just too much of a pussy to go through with it. I would cut my legs because that was a place my mom wouldn’t question me so much about why do I have a scar there. I never told anyone about this, I kept it to myself and pretended I was fine cause I thought I’d convince myself that I was. December & i had gotten way worse. my older cousin locked me in a room with her and she said “I know” I cried.. A lot. She talked to me and helped me a lot. She took me out of the house when all I would do is wake up cry, sleep, cry, sleep. She forced me to eat at her house everyday and didn’t let me get up till I finished. She helped me understand my parents choice and that it wasn’t my fault. By New Years I was slightly better than how I was back in August. I started reaching out to my friends and wanted to actually go out. But that didn’t really last for long. In January I was slipping back to my bad ways. Until I talked to my sisters friend who also just knew. I told her the other side of why I was sad and I felt completely stupid but she didn’t make me feel that way. She talked to me and help me make decisions and helped me realize more things about it. I started college in February and since I’ve been better. My eating habits have improved and my motivation did too. Yeah there’s days that I am get really sad and feel helpless but I always tell myself “it’s Okay, tomorrow’s a new day” I will NEVER let myself fall deep into my depression hole ever again. Its scary to know that at any moment i can be back into the pit of that hole and just dig myself deeper. Im not in the perfect place with dealing with it but Im slowly trying to be that happy person i was.
So yeah, if you ever need someone to talk to, to even just tell me your story.. Feel free too!
And please no rude messages, thank you.